By: Jason C., Transformations alumnus

 

I have spent my whole life trying to avoid pain

Its always been a constant, always the same

 

“Don’t speak, don’t feel, you’re nothing,” is what I knew 

In the broken household where I grew

 

But deep down inside I was quietly screaming

‘Leave it to Beaver’ is what I was dreaming

 

As I got older, I became more aware

The pain I felt inside, no one cares

 

The first time I used, and all that pain went away

I finally laughed, fit in, the skies weren’t so grey

 

When I got older, and things got too tough

I had learned to escape when the waters got rough

 

THIS IS THE ANSWER screamed through my mind

I laughed finally, relaxed, to everyone I seem fine

 

Until the next morning, and the pain reappeared

Even greater than yesterday, my sanity I started to fear

 

No one can understand me, so they could never forgive

I felt I had to use if I were to live

 

I felt more and more pain as the calendar turned

There has to be more, and another bridge I burned

 

But now the pain, I was causing myself 

A husband, a father, man, I became stealth

 

All I ever knew was escaping this pain

Now I have to face it, no more of this game

 

I have to be strong to break this chain

The chain that held me and caused more pain

 

I have been so afraid to feel this unknown

Be cut open, wide and deep, fully exposed

 

Then put back together with stitches and scars

I’m stronger now, I have survived the wars

 

I have to break the cycle causing this drama

Putting innocent loved ones through so much trauma

 

They didn’t deserve to have an absent dad

Husband, brother, son, its all been so bad

 

I feel it now, what they must have felt

Playing a losing hand they were so unfairly dealt

 

It wasn’t their fault, I am the one to blame

It will only get better if I own the shame

 

I know I cannot take away all the sorrows 

But I will lay down my life for better tomorrows

 

And everything I have for a better life

For Friends, myself, my kids, my wife.

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