By: Mike Murphy, Transformations Manager of Alumni Services
Recently a very close friend of mine decided to waive the white flag of surrender and get sober. As I type this, he is currently at a detox facility. And while I am so excited that he finally decided to make this move, it has also brought up a lot of memories and other emotions. Some are good, some not so good.
One of the hardest parts of being in recovery is watching people close to you go down that hole you were once in and
not want to do anything about it. Whether they are in denial of it or just not ready. If you’re in recovery, odds are good you know what I am talking about. Because either you have been that person or know someone who has been. One of the most common things I hear when speaking with Alumni and other people in recovery is, “I wish I had done this sooner!!” I certainly wish I had! Obviously, we cannot go back in time but watching someone go through it, you absolutely wish they would make the decision sooner rather than later.
The night my friend called to tell me he was going to go through with it, a huge rush of relief ran over me. This had been some time coming. But right after the relief was over, I found myself getting skeptical. Not that I didn’t think he could do it, but because we had conversations in the past and he would always use the Ol’ “I’m a functional alcoholic” line. Which, if we have learned anything, there is no such thing. I also wasn’t quite sure if he was doing this for himself. Maybe he was doing it for work. Or his marriage. Maybe for his family? I knew he needed this for himself. Nobody else. I hope he realizes this. I’ve told him a hundred times.
After he was admitted into detox, I was able to speak with his wife. Understandably, she was very anxious and concerned. I tried my best to settle her nerves and convince her that he would be alright and that he was finally moving in the right direction. But I also know that no matter what I say, I am not going to make it alright. And for people that have never been to detox before, you automatically assume the worst. The kinds of things you have seen on TV or in movies and now she just dropped off the love of her life to one.
After that phone call is when the memories and emotions came in full tilt and boogie.
I remembered how I used to use “Functional Alcoholic” to make myself feel better about my drinking. I always had full-time employment, including being a GM of an establishment at Universal freakin’ Studios for ten years. I was always the life of the party. Everyone loved me (or so I told myself)! Surely I don’t have a problem! I’m not one of THEM! And at least I’m not a drug addict! All the things I would tell myself to avoid the realization that I, in fact, was one of them. And looking back on it now? PURE UNADULTERATED CRINGE.
After speaking with my friend’s wife, I could only think about how my mom and sister were this whole time. Watching me at my lowest. Hoping I would finally get it together and stop hurting them. To stop manipulating and lying. I thought about how scared they were when I made the decision to enter detox/treatment. As I wrote earlier, nobody can understand it, unless you have gone through it. My sister dropped me off and it devastated her. And to this day, it still feels awful. Now I am listening to this other person and can only think that the same emotions she is going through, as my loved ones went through. All because I chose to handle this later rather than sooner.
One of the things that I am constantly looking for in my life is perspective. And sometimes it comes from very uncomfortable situations. Like knowing a close friend of yours is hurting and so are those closest to him. And from walking the same path I did. But if I can find any type of perspective from this it’s that I know I made the right decision. Even though it took longer than it should have, I made that decision, and for the last two and a half years, I haven’t had to put my loved ones back in the positions that me and my old ways put them in.
As important as that is, knowing that a close friend of mine chose to include me in this journey with him, stands out. This person trusts me and was willing to be open and honest about something very dark in their lives, looking for light. There is a saying, “I remain vocal in my recovery for those who suffer in silence.” I have always loved it and this is a part of it. I want people to know what I have gone through and continue to go through daily so that when the time comes, they feel comfortable coming to me.
In the end, my friend’s situation not only allowed me to help someone but to also check my humility and my memory and because I made that decision to get sober, it has allowed me to help a pal when he needed it. I will continue to be there for him and anyone else who may need help obtaining this gift I have worked for.
Humbly,
A non-functional alcoholic name Mike.
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