By The Book Joe

By: Mike Murphy, Manager of Alumni Services

We Cannot Do This Alone.

As a person in recovery who also happens to work in treatment, I get asked a fair amount of questions pertaining to sobriety. Not only in my work life, but in my personal life, as well. If you ask me, this is to be expected. And you should be willing to answer questions or concerns. Or, to correct common misconceptions. And when I decided to write this, one question was standing out ahead of the others.

“Does AA really work?”

For whatever reason, this question (or other variations of it) have been asked of me pretty regularly. And it made me want to touch on it. But fear not, this is not going to be a blog advertising for AA/NA or any other 12 step recovery program. Instead I want to focus on why it worked for ME. And why I think it could work for YOU.

When I was a client at Transformations, I was brand new to everything recovery. I had never even stepped foot in an AA meeting and when I heard people referencing “The Big Book”, I was convinced they were referring to the bible. And as a product of a Catholic upbringing and even graduating from Catholic School, I was a little uneasy about this. Admittedly, my first thought was, “Great. I’ve gotten involved in a cult. I KNEW it!”. I also quickly reminded myself that at one point I had also joined The United States Marine Corps. And say what you want, we’re a little cult’ish. Ok, ALOT cult’ish. So maybe I should open my ears and mind and close my mouth for a bit. After all, I had no idea what I was doing.

There is a tech at Transformations. Let’s call him “By the Book Joe”. If ya know, ya know. And almost every single day, to the point of ad nauseam, he would tell us that if you attend a 12 step meeting the day you leave treatment, the odds of you making it through this are significantly higher. Admittedly, after two months of constantly hearing him say this, it became pretty annoying. BUT, it stuck. And on top of attending meetings, it was also taught to me while at Transformations that taking suggestions from others is going to be a big part of life moving forward. And for people that are usually set on the idea that they know better than most everyone around them, this is not easy to accept.

I left Transformations and because I had no funds, and really no set plan as to what I was going to do, I ended up back at my Mother’s place. In my late 30’s and staying with mom after leaving rehab. Not exactly where I had planned to be when my last job asked me, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”. But, on the car ride back to her place I said that I had to find a meeting to go to that day/night. At this time there was no “Meeting Guide” app that I now use, but I was still able to find one after a few quick Google Searches. Hell, I was able to find meetings all across Broward County. So yes, Google will also help you find meetings. So miss me with that “I can’t find any” b.s. And as it would turn out, there was a meeting 1 mile away from my Mom’s place. And with By the Book Joe’s voice in the back of my head, I headed out later that Monday to attend the 5:30 pm meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And that first meeting was a DOOZY. I had no idea what to do, where to sit or what to say. Throughout my time in treatment I was told meetings are great because you are amongst people just like you. I had to wonder, “is everyone else this confused, anxious and scared?”. To say this was an old timer meeting would be putting it lightly. I was probably the youngest person there by 15+ years. And as soon as I found where I would sit, two rows back from the chairman’s table, the surly, older gentleman in front of me would turn around and hand me The Secretary’s Report. Ok, now I am terrified. Bubble guts instantly ensued. I was able to mutter out of my mouth hole that I was in fact, not the Secretary. To which the surly, older gentleman informed me, “You know how to read? Then you’ll be fine. Just read it. I’m not doing this shit tonight.”

The meeting concluded and I won’t lie, I felt pretty accomplished. I had not only attended my first AA meeting ever; but I also read The Secretary’s Report (flawlessly might I add), introduced myself as a newcomer to that group and even shared on the topic. By the Book Joe would be proud, I thought. But the highlight was yet to come. As I walked outside and lit up a cigarette, I heard that gruff, surly, older voice from earlier. “You did good, man. Sorry about earlier, just in a mood today. I shouldn’t have done that to you earlier, with the whole Secretary’s Report thing. But you did great. I’m Dave.” For as long as I could remember, this was the first time a complete stranger had apologized to me for being a Dave to me. And for whatever reason, that’s what did it. I was sold. By the end of that first week, I had made that my home group and didn’t miss one meeting. Some days attending more than one.

My second week of attending meetings there I would meet a group of guys that reminded me a lot of myself. I noticed they would stay behind after the 11 am meeting on Sundays to clean the room. I figured if this was going to be my home group, I should share the responsibility and to also take pride in it. So, I asked them if I could stick around and help out. They were a bit surprised at first, but then handed me a broom and dustpan. After some talking, I found out they all lived at the Halfway down the road, Fellowship. Now at this point, I was not too receptive to the idea of living in a halfway. I had seen what those were like on TV/Movies and in books. No way. But, they convinced me to come check it out and at least think about it. And one of them made a valid point. “Dude. You’re in your 30’s. You can’t be living with Mommy anymore.” And he was right. He would also turn into my first Sponsor.

I would eventually move into Fellowship later that week. And while living there, I did all of the things that are expected of you while living in a halfway. Weekly/Daily chores, make curfew, and be working a program. And work a program I did. We were required to work a 90/90 (90 meetings in 90 days) which I seemed to be one of the few that was not upset about. Even though I had only been a few weeks in, I had learned to really enjoy and appreciate the meetings I was attending. I quickly realized that the age difference in the room was the only main difference between me and the other alcoholics in there. It also gave me structure and set my days up just right. Before I knew it, I had been at Fellowship for 7 months. Time FLEW BY. Wake up, work out, go to work, get home and hang out for a bit, walk to 5:30 meeting, walk home, dinner, some TV or hanging out with other guys at Fellowship, sleep. Repeating this daily made the time breeze by.

It also made my first year in recovery breeze by. Seemingly without me even noticing it, I was doing all the things I had been told would happen if I worked a program. I had found a Sponsor, I had completed my steps, was being of service (hell, they even gave me a key to the joint!), sponsoring other men and for the first time in my life, had friends that were around me that were genuinely concerned with how I was doing. If I missed two meetings in a row, my phone was going off. And it was going to be people from my homegroup wondering where I was and if I was ok. Funny, that never happened if I didn’t go to the bar two nights in a row.

For the first time in my life, and what some might argue the lowest point in my life, I had the strongest support system of my life. And just as I had people in my corner, I was in other’s corner, as well. Offering them the same support and concern that they afforded me. And through being around other alcoholics in recovery, I learned about myself. For the first time, I had people calling me out on my bullshit and making me accountable for my actions and words. If I was struggling, I knew I had someone to call. And at my half way? I knew that every day at any given time, I could open my door and there would be dozens of others just like me, willing to help me.

So look, this is the deal. I am not going to tell you that if you want to stay sober, that you have to attend a 12 step program. I only know it worked for me. But what I can and will say with utter certainty, is that if you try to do this on your own and without placing some type of support system around you, your chances are all but nil. I talk to people weekly in both my work life and my personal life that have maintained sobriety without the use of 12 step. BUT, they have all found a fellowship that works for them. It could be Church, a gym, other support groups, whatever it may be. But I am yet to this day to meet someone who has admitted to isolating themselves from everyone and everything and been fine. NOT ONE.

If you have questions or concerns about 12 Step, ask someone. Maybe just go check out a meeting. After all, better to see for your own eyes and make an informed decision than to continue denial through willful ignorance. And for the love of all things holy……learn to take suggestions. A wise person once told me, “It’s one thing to ask for help. It’s whole other to receive help”.

Lastly, I want to give a big shout out to By the Book Joe. I genuinely do not know that I would be writing this had I not followed his advice of attending a meeting that Monday at 5:30 after leaving Transformations. Probably one of the best suggestions I ever took.