It Is The Courage To Continue That Counts

By: Jack H., Transformations Alumnus

Hi I’m Jack and I am an alcoholic!!! It took me 40 years to even have a hint that I may have a drinking problem. It took me an additional 10 years to address it. I grew up in Boston where drinking was pretty much a normal and regular occurrence much like the show “Cheers” where everyone knew your name. I had my first drink in the early 70’s at around 10 years old at the bars my dad frequented. I had an unusual childhood so I wasn’t sure if it was the physical effects of alcohol or the fact my head was finally quiet that attracted me so much to the booze, but I knew I liked it.

I made it a priority to steal beer whenever the opportunity presented itself. Those early drinking years progressed throughout my life with added addictions to cocaine and opioid pills. It wasn’t until I was 48 years old that I got a hint I may have a problem after driving from Boston to Pompano stoned drunk and proceeded to pass out face first on my son’s coffee table. By that time the cocaine and pills were a memory but I made a new friend in hard alcohol. I was given a choice to return to Boston or go into treatment, I figured what the hell, how bad could treatment be? Well, treatment was bad because I made it bad. I was never convinced I was a wreck of a man because I made it a point to convince myself I wasn’t.

In treatment, I isolated myself just like my last days in Boston. I didn’t participate or take direction from anyone who cared. I made it through treatment and halfway, the key words being “made it through.” I faked and bull crapped all I could. I continued my old ways which brought another move back to Boston and then another back to Florida, always making the excuse “It’s not me, it’s something else.” My bottom hit in early July 2022 after a brief period of sobriety. I remember sitting on the couch deciding what I wanted to do that day, the beach sounded like a good idea. Then came the mental obsession. The Ale House was right across the street and I have earned the right to a few laughs and drinks.

Four months passed since those drinks that came with five trips to detox, a lost job, a DUI and alienation from my daughter. Now I am convinced I am a wreck. I remember my last day in detox sitting on my bed talking to a God I have not spoken to in 40 years. My self-pity quickly turned to anger and the conversation turned into an argument as I threw up my hands and walked out the room. Later that evening, two gentlemen came in from H&I. One of them had an aura about him and a similar story to mine. He seemed very much at peace with himself even with all the external crap going on in his life. Then and there, I made a decision, I did not want to go back to who I was. I got his number and made a commitment to call him the next day. When I arrived home from detox sitting on my counter was a half filled bottle of Jameson whiskey. Now I know I was being tested. I poured the whiskey down the drain and made the call.

Later that evening he picked me up for a meeting and called on my behalf a gentleman who would become my sponsor. When I finally opened the book again, the readings started to make sense. My sponsor took me through the steps, carefully explaining the meaning of each one. I took all his suggestions, attended all the meetings he wanted me to and then some, did any service he asked. I embraced the program and the program embraced me. Today I am pushing five months sober. I chair meetings, take H&I commitments, speak at meetings and sponsor whenever possible. After going through the 12-step program with willingness, open-mindedness and honesty, I truly believe I am reaping the rewards of what it has to offer. I pray and meditate daily which allows me to truly communicate with my higher power, “God” which enables me to stay in reality each day.

I now have my daughter back in my life which is the most important gift to me. The other issues will work themselves out as I have faith in my higher power. I don’t know if the day I sat on my bed during my last detox talking to God, and then these gentlemen walked into my life was a spiritual awakening. I wasn’t really looking for it, but I am totally convinced that things happen for a reason and God was with me in early July when I was making the decision of going to the beach or to the Ale House. I think if I would have gone to the beach that day I would have probably kept my job, maybe not have gotten the DUI or alienated my daughter…at least not yet. But I can guarantee the spring in my chest (as my sponsor calls it) would have tightened up and the roller coaster of obsession followed by craving would have continued. Instead, I think God wanted me to experience humility and gratitude and sent me down the path of destruction so I could come back as a new person. And I have. I always thought that I was in control. I had no idea how unmanageable my life really was.

Success is not final.

Failure is not fatal.

It is the courage to continue that counts.

– Winston Churchill