By: Mike Murphy, Manager of Alumni Services
One of the hardest things for people to do in early recovery is cutting ties with people, places and things that no longer serve us well. Whether it’s the local bar and the rowdy crew you used to roll with, the dreaded Ex, the job that was burying you or even family members. And especially when it comes to people, it can be difficult. Because truth be told, even though we know they are harmful to us, we genuinely care for them. Or maybe we just miss their company. But one thing is for certain, we cannot move forward with our new lease on life if we are still renting it out to problem tenants.
This was a monumental task for me to overcome. When I came to Transformations, my ENTIRE adult life revolved around drinking. All the jobs I had were prone to party culture, so therefore most of my friends were no strangers to the bottle, either. And while I am not saying that all my friends had drinking problems, I would say most definitely drank more than the average person. Think about it. Marine Corps -> Tattoo Shops -> Bartending. Pretty rough crowd to be around. So now, sitting here newly sober, I had to wonder to myself, “Holy crap. Who do I even hang out with anymore??”.
After Treatment, I decided it was in my best interest to stay in South Florida. Which wasn’t that difficult of a decision considering I am originally from here. However, the previous 10+ years had been spent in Orlando and a brief one-year stint in Nashville. And Orlando, specifically, was where most of my close friends were. The friends I had in South Florida had swayed in a much different direction than I had. They all had families and children and career jobs. And to be honest, through my alcoholism, I had lost contact with a lot of them, if not most. Things were looking pretty lonely in the Murphy Camp.
“Take the suggestions”. This is something that still plays in my head to this day. And one of the first suggestions I took post-treatment was from a long-time tech here at Transformations, Joe. Some of you may know him as “By the Book Joe”. It seemed like day in and day out he would harp on “On your first day outta here, go to a meeting. If you do that, your odds of making this work are significantly better.” And that one suggestion I feel really set me up for success. Through going to that meeting, I found not only a home group, but a bunch of guys that lived at the halfway house down the road that I would end up living at.
It was at this place I discovered something new. Well, new’ish. For the first time in my adult life, I was (for the most part) surrounded by people trying to work THROUGH their problems. Not running AWAY from their problems. And not only were they trying to find a solution to their problem(s), but they were using the help of others in doing so. If you saw someone struggling, you offered to help. Sometimes it was a ride, sometimes it was just to listen for a few minutes. But it was a group working together for the common good. This was also where I first realized that helping others was indeed helping me.
As for the home group? I don’t even know where to start with that one. The area of town it is in, it’s known for being a little “older”. Growing up I never had a grandfather. So, I can’t say this for certain, but maybe that’s why I enjoyed this home group so much. Most of the men at this meeting were Senior Citizens. And they were always dishing out that good life advice. All while taking a genuine interest in how I was doing. Some of them felt like right off the movie screen, “Grandpappy” roles. Not only was I offered life lessons from these gentlemen, but I was shown proof that this crazy thing is possible. For YEARS to come. And hell, they seemed to be enjoying themselves for a bunch of old, sober dudes! A bunch of retired self will run rioters!
Twice a year I attend a conference that is specifically for Alumni Services in Treatment. And I have made some great friends at it. For the Spring Conference this year, they decided for the first time to hold it in Florida. Bradenton, to be exact. Me and a few other guys attending the conference decided to get an AirBnB for a couple of days leading up to it. A sort of boy’s trip. Just a couple of days in Tampa, having some fun, relaxing, and hanging out. It turned out to be so much more than that. I can easily say those couple of days were the most fun I have had in recovery, thus far. We did ALL the sightseeing, ALL the restaurant hopping (If you want me to talk your ear off, ask me about our experience at Bern’s Steakhouse. My foodie self was in heaven) but most of ALL. We enjoyed each other’s company as men in recovery. We bonded over shared experiences, life stories and hardships. I considered these guys friends before this trip, but more like brothers at the end of it. And all of this was done without even a thought of drinking. The only times things got hazy, was through the cigar smoke.
When I got home from that trip, I started reading a book. It’s sort of a day to day type book. Titled, “The Daily Stoic”. It’s described as “366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living.” One of the first ones I read was “You become what you give your attention to” from Epictetus. And it could not have come at a better time. I had just left this amazing conference with other people that are not only in recovery, but are also in the same field of work as I am. And I got to spend a few days with other men in recovery who I aspire to be like.
To end this, let me just say….My circle may be much smaller nowadays. Yet it somehow has more reach than it used to. And it certainly has much more value. And with each sober day that passes, I can only hope to add to that circle more and more.
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