By: Mike Murphy, Manager of Alumni Services
If you’re like me, you hear things like “You seem so much happier” or “Life seems to be treating you pretty well, nowadays!” pretty regularly now that you’re in recovery. And while it is true, and I genuinely appreciate the positive attention that is being paid to my life; it reminds me of part of a quote from J.R.R. Tolkien : “All that is gold does not glitter.” Let me explain why.
With things like social media at our fingertips throughout every waking moment of our lives, it can be very easy to live superficially and to take things only at face value. To which I am definitely guilty of. Also, if you’re like me, you tend to only post the positive stuff going on in your life for all the world to see (depending on your privacy settings, of course). When we do this, the majority of the people tend to just assume everything is peachy keen and that somehow, you’re invincible to the occasional bad day. Or days. While the gift of recovery has been wonderful in many ways for me, it definitely does not warrant off the low days.
Recently, I went through one of those low periods. It just happens. There really is no explanation or reason for it. For all intents and purposes, life is pretty freaking rad. I love the place I live. Not only just my apartment, but the area, as well. My family and friends? Great. My circle is definitely smaller than it used to be, but that’s a good thing. Job? Love it. Not only do I get to help others, but I get to give back to the place that gave me so much. My Recovery? Still going strong. Could be better in some areas, I’ll admit. But, still doing the thing. Love life? Yeah. Not much has changed since I wrote last years, “Go Home Cupid You’re Drunk” blog. I’m still working on myself. Like, a lot. At least that’s what I am going to tell myself. So what gives?
“Michael. One of the best parts about being sober, is you start to feel again. And one of the worst parts about being sober, is that you start to feel again.”
No, this isn’t another Tolkien quote. This is from an old timer named Jim at my homegroup. Jim told me this when I was brand new to the room and it still holds truth to this day. But now I can sit with my feelings and process them. Compared to a few years back? I would’ve drank those feelings away. After all, that was the answer to everything. Feeling too good? Drink about it. Feeling low? Drink about it. Feeling meh? Drink about it. You get the picture.
The biggest difference between those low days of before and the low days of now? I don’t obsess over them. I don’t overanalyze why I am having this bad day/week. I utilize the tools I have picked up along the way and ride it out. I try to figure out what I need to do, or stop doing, to help get past this. And as crazy as it sounds? If I just do this, it tends to work itself out.
The other night, while in the midst of this funk I was in; something happened. I don’t know how else to describe it other than a moment of clarity. I had just made dinner, cleaned up and was getting ready to watch TV (probably another true crime doc) and out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the candle I had burning in the kitchen and I found myself staring at it. Next thing I knew, I was just staring at it and smiling. Something came over me as if to say “It’s gonna be alright. Look at how far you’ve come.”
That was it. That little flicker of a candle to remind me that it’s not all so bad. That this is life and not everything is always going to be amazing. And that’s ok. Whether you are in recovery or not, if you have a pulse, you’re entitled to having your down moments. We all do. It’s all in how we choose to handle them.
Thanks for reading this. Without you even knowing it, writing these helps get me through those times and those feelings. Also, don’t ever trust the person that says they don’t feel things. Those are the kinds of people that go on to have TV shows made about them that in turn, people like me watch.
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