One of the primary issues seen in families of addicts and alcoholics is codependency. Codependency is a set of learned, dysfunctional behaviors that loved ones adopt in order to cope with the stress of living with someone in active addiction. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that impacts a person’s ability to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship. This disorder was first identified roughly ten years ago as the result of years of researching interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Codependency typically affects spouses, parents, siblings, friends, or coworkers of an individual struggling with substance use disorder or mental illness. Psychologist Robert Subby defines codependency as an “emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules — rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.” A person who continually places others’ needs before their own may be struggling with codependency.

Codependency and addiction often go hand-in-hand. While codependent behavior may temporarily ease the pain of living with an addicted loved one, in reality, it protects the addict from experiencing the negative consequences of their substance abuse. When someone you love is abusing drugs and alcohol, you may do everything in your power to help them recover. You may try and control their every move or pick up the messes they leave in their wake. Unfortunately, this may be harming them much more than helping them. There is a difference between offering healthy support and participating in harmful, enabling behavior.

Symptoms of Codependency

Symptoms of codependency are wide and varied, but there are a few key ones that could signal that you or a loved one struggles with codependency or is in a codependent relationship.

• Low self-esteem: Signs of low self-esteem include feeling like you’re not good enough and comparing yourself to others. Perfectionism and guilt often go hand-in-hand with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you may not feel as bad about yourself.
• People-pleasing: Codependents often struggle with people-pleasing, going out of their way and neglecting their own needs in order to please or take care of another person.
• Poor boundaries: Codependents typically have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems, or blame their own on someone else.
• Caretaking: In a healthy relationship, it’s natural to want to help your loved one, but codependents take this to the next level. They tend to take care of others to the point that they neglect their own self-care.
• Control issues: Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. They need to control those close to them because in order to feel okay, they need people to behave in a certain way.
• Dysfunctional communication: Codependents struggle with communicating their thoughts, feelings, and needs openly and honestly. They may be unable to identify their feelings and needs, or they may simply suppress them in order to please another person.
• Painful emotions: Codependency creates stress and can lead to painful emotions such as shame, anger, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, and despair.
• Denial: One of the characteristics that makes treating codependency so difficult is that codependents are often in denial that they have a problem. They tend to blame it on others and continue trying to fix the other person. Because codependents typically deny their own feelings and concentrate on another’s feelings, they may not even recognize their patterns of behavior and thought.
• Dependency: Codependents need others to like and approve of them in order to feel okay about themselves. Oftentimes, they are afraid of being rejected or abandoned, so they latch onto other people.

Codependents typically have low self-esteem and thus, look for anything outside of themselves to feel better. They often adopt a martyr or victim role, and latch onto to an individual who they perceive is in need of help. The problem is that these rescue attempts by the codependent allow the “needy” individual to continue on the path to destruction. As we mentioned above, codependency and addiction are closely linked. For example, a parent may continually rescue their addict son or daughter from negative consequences, enabling the addict to continue using dangerous behaviors. In addition, as this reliance increases, the codependent becomes addicted to the feeling of being needed. If and when the caretaking becomes compulsive, the codependent may feel helpless or trapped in the situation, and the cycle continues. Because codependents often view themselves as victims, they are attracted to the same type of people in all of their other relationships.

The Effects of Codependency and Addiction

Individuals struggling with codependency repress their emotions and needs to the point that they are subjected to low self-esteem and relationship trauma. If codependency is unaddressed, struggling individuals may cope with their emotions by abusing drugs, alcohol, sex, food, or any other compulsive behavior. Social insecurity can also progress into anxiety and stress-related disorders such as depression. Codependents are less likely to seek medical care when necessary, and physical repercussions of codependency include headaches, ulcers, high blood pressure, heart problems, and respiratory issues.

At its core, codependency means that someone has lost the connection to his or her true self, so much so that his or her thinking and behavior revolves around someone or something external, such as a person, a substance, or an activity (e.g. sex or gambling). They struggle with emotional intimacy and may experience challenging emotions such as intense fear, anxiety, resentment, and depression. Codependents become used to repressing and denying their emotions and needs, and focusing wholly on another person’s.

Healing from Codependency and Addiction

Codependents spend the majority of their lives worrying about people and things over which they have no control. Recovering from codependency means getting to know yourself better, honoring yourself, and expressing yourself. By building a relationship with yourself, you have no time to concern yourself with worrying about someone over whom you have no control. By learning to love yourself, you can then learn how to love others in a healthy manner. Recovering from codependency takes time and effort. It involves awareness, abstinence, acceptance, and action. It also involves healing past wounds. Perhaps you grew up in a dysfunctional family and this is where you learned your codependent behaviors. Recovery will include accepting your past and your present situation. It will involve embracing authenticity and being true to your thoughts, feelings, and needs. Recovering from codependency will also mean developing and holding healthy boundaries with yourself and with others.

One of the important things to remember when recovering from codependency is to be gentle with yourself. You did not develop these behaviors overnight, nor will you rid yourself of them overnight. In order to grow and change your codependent behavior, self-awareness and self-acceptance must be accompanied by new behaviors. Becoming more assertive, embracing your needs, and using your voice will be powerful tools for change as you recover from codependency and learn to love and accept yourself for who you are.

The Rehab Center’ Family Matters Program

Addiction takes an enormous toll on friends, family, and loved ones. We understand the challenges of loving an addict or alcoholic, and we are here to help both you and your loved one recover from the disease of addiction. The Rehab Center’ Family Matters Program is open to all loved ones. We offer a Family Weekend every month, family coaching, a closed Facebook group for loved ones, and a weekly free family group session. The Rehab Center offers a weekend of therapy, education, and healing for family, friends, and clients. This informative and healing weekend allows everyone involved to move through the recovery process with more awareness, acceptance, insight, and understanding. We also offer a therapist-led family community group every week, in which we cover topics such as codependency and addiction, enabling, and self-care. For more information on our Family Matters program, click here.

Addiction is a family disease, and The Rehab Center is here to help both addicts and their loved ones find lasting recovery. If you or a loved one is struggling with an addiction, reach out to us today at

888-388-5756