By: Michaela B., Transformations Alumna
“When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment” (A.A.).
Hi, my name is Michaela and I am an alcoholic and addict. As far back as I could remember; I was never able to
accept things as they were or feel fully satisfied throughout my life. There were many troublesome details of my childhood; which were out of my control. However, my part in this; was how I allowed chaos to continue throughout my teen years and adulthood. I could not accept my circumstances as they were, hence no peace nor serenity could be found.
At a young age, I experienced the harms of those around me who were afflicted by their own trauma, alcoholism, and drug use. This resulted in my exposure to violence, jealousy, all forms of abuse, and trauma… just one vicious cycle. At family gatherings, I was allowed to drink alcoholic beverages. Having boundaries was never in my vocabulary. By the age of 12, I was roaming the streets at night, skipping school, and hanging out with a bad crowd. At 14 years old, I became pregnant by a 27-year-old man who I was secretly seeing. I was then thrown out of my home and right into the home of this abusive man. I just couldn’t escape the abuse and violence. On the bright side, I thank God for removing my compulsion to drink alcohol during my pregnancy. I had no idea how to raise a child but I did have many examples of what not to do.
By the age of 19, I finally had the strength to leave my son’s father, however, that resulted in us becoming homeless, for two long weeks. I was able to persevere and got us out of this horrific situation, even if it cost my soul in the process. At this point in my life, I had an “F You attitude” to the world along with drug addiction. I was living a double life; during the day I was a PTA mom, was very active in my son’s life, held a full-time job and at night I had succumbed to my vices. I was able to keep my two sides separate until I couldn’t any longer. By the age of 33, I was surprised to experience the “empty nester” syndrome; when my son went off to college; my addiction took a turn for the worse. I no longer had to live a double life and try to control my addictions. My life was full of chaos, self-will and I was self-sabotaging myself into my own personal hell on earth. And I did not care because I thought; I was only harming myself, which I was sadly mistaken. A few years later, my son became a father and I was not able to be fully supportive at his time of need. The ugly truth was that I just made it about myself.
A couple of years later, my addiction and actions kept getting worse; I was tormented by flashbacks of my drunken blackouts. I was on the brink of losing my relationship with my son and granddaughter. I couldn’t live without drugs and alcohol and I couldn’t live with it. I found myself at what the Big Book refers to as the “jumping-off point.” By the age of 38, I had reached the darkest moment of my life; I was filled with emotional pain and misery that I was ok with dying. If I kept going on this path, I knew I would suffer a painful death. This is where my addiction took me.
The God of my understanding gave me a second chance at life and the gift of desperation. My name is Michaela and my sobriety date is June 26, 2016. My sober journey began the day I stepped into Summit Detox and Transformations. This was the best decision I have ever made in my adult life. I came into recovery completely defeated; I didn’t know how to cope with life and I was willing to learn a different way of life. In recovery, I am truly grateful for the “gift of life” and what I learn each day. Today, I accept life on life’s terms, I use healthy coping skills, I love myself, and have self-respect and for others. Today, I understand the true definition of having healthy boundaries.
In recovery, I had to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, if I wanted to stay sober and achieve permanent sobriety. For the first time in my life, I took direction and advice from others when they said; get a sponsor, don’t drink and go to meetings, joined a homegroup, do service work, practice and live the 12 steps of A.A. And most importantly, start developing a relationship and trust with a God of my understanding.
With God’s guidance and help; I learned the power of forgiveness and healing the little girl inside of me. I was able to repair and strengthen my relationship with my son, who never gave up on me. I continue to be part of my granddaughter’s life and enjoy many precious moments with her. In recovery, God also blessed me with a beautiful Life Partner, who has helped me continue to grow in my true authentic self. And one of God’s many blessings of recovery is that my granddaughter and Life Partner never have to see me drunk.
Life has also presented me with many obstacles and challenges along the way; however, today I have God by my side to guide, protect, and center me. Whenever I find some person, place, thing, or situation unacceptable or when I am emotionally disturbed; I “We” are blessed to have clear-cut directions for sober living that work and will lead us toward our true purpose from God. The End.
If you or a loved one are struggling, please reach out!
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