By: Mike Murphy, Manager of Alumni Services
If there is one thing I have learned in recovery (well, one of the million-ish or so), is that people are very curious
about it. And they have lots of questions. Which is completely understandable if you ask me. Anytime you have a small population of people doing a specific thing, the outsiders want to know more about it. To me, it’s like people asking about my time in The United States Marine Corps. By nature, humans are curious about what they don’t know. But one question always stands out. And for a while, made me think the most.
“If you could, would you change anything about your past?”
Now sure. I know what you’re thinking. “This dude has to regret a TON of shit about his past to be in the position he is/was.” And while that may be true, it’s only to an extent. I believe we all have regrets in life. Some big, some small. But have you ever stopped and wondered where you would be in your life without some of these regrets? Odds are good you have learned something from them. And hopefully, for the better. I know this may not always be the case, but for the sake of this blog, humor me.
I was most recently asked this question by a group facilitator at Mending Fences. And for whatever reason, my response just flowed out of my mouth effortlessly. Like I had said it a million times before. But it’s not what I said at that moment that stood out to me. Or that made me think. It was what I thought about after that.
Shortly after, I got to walk around the property at sundown and have some time to reflect by myself. Mending Fences at sundown is a sight to be seen. It’s gorgeous. The open land, the colors, THE QUIET. It’s the perfect landscape for self-contemplation if you ask me. And I had to ask myself, “Would I be here, having this moment, had I not made the decisions that I did earlier in life? To be here trying to HELP people?” A resounding “NO” came to mind. As I am sure many of you that are reading this can agree; for most of our time while drinking/using/neglecting our mental health we were self-serving and neglectful of others. Sure, I had some rad jobs and did some AMAZING things while drinking. I got to experience things some only dream about. But was this going to be what I hang my hat on at the end of the day? Did some cool stuff. Met some cool people. End scene. Not much of a story to leave behind.
Fast forward to earlier this month and I was able to attend a Conference/Collaborative in Malibu, California. Yeah. That Malibu. And it was incredible. The conference took place at a Franciscan Monk Monastery in the hills of Malibu overlooking the Pacific Ocean. It was a gathering of Alumni Departments from around the country that work in Substance Abuse and Mental Health Treatment. Picture it, about 60 People in recovery who for all intents
and purposes, at one point in their lives were the absolute definition of “Self Will Run Riot” now convening at a Monastery in Malibu. Pretty wild. While there, I would ask some of the people around me the same question that was asked of me while at Mending Fences. And the answers, while different, were all the same. “No. No, I would not change anything. My past is what has now given m e my purpose.” Re-read that and let it marinate.
When I got home and was telling people about my trip and showing them some pictures, I heard more than a few times about how lucky I was. How lucky to have been able to attend this work trip in Malibu, California. Imagine that. How lucky I am to be an alcoholic in recovery. I don’t know if I would say I’m lucky. But I am grateful.
My alcoholism and struggles with my own inner demons brought me to the depths of darkness I didn’t know existed. Where life seemed bleak and meaningless. I was merely surviving to die. Most would say it was a life not worth living. But that same life, that same darkness, brought me to where I am today. Would I change a few little things? Sure. But in the grand scheme of things. No. I would not change what my life has become. Is it life beyond my wildest dreams? I don’t know about that. But I know it is a life that is significantly better than the way it used to be. And it would never be this way had I not made certain decisions in my past that I cannot erase. Only learn from.
“Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can’t build on it; it’s only good for wallowing in.”
-Katherine Mansfield
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